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That would help. Right now I think most kf it is becasue of the frist person veiw. I would also say would also say be careful of stuff like this I noticed that is how you tend to interduce most of the charaters. It mind of breaks the flow of the story. Maybe try to interduce it in smaller...

So I just read the whole story and have to say I liked it a lot. You have manged to do a lot of world building and have had the main character chart a fairly realistic path to getting ahead. I will say that the side characters while not bad could use some expansion. The only one that I felt was...