Starting just after 12 pm ET and continuing throughout the day, T-Mobile completely fucked up a routine network upgrade, which has in turn caused endless headaches and "disruption" for not only our customers but millions of people trying to contact them. We are gradually unfucking this mess after spending hours cluelessly floundering while not saying a word to anyone until we were sure it would not miraculously fix itself and/or maybe no one would notice, since we're not a real cell phone company. (Seriously, have you been inside a T-Mobile store? It looks like they rely heavily on volunteers.) ETA on restoration of services: who the hell knows.
Neville Ray, some PR flack we hired to make it sound like we're the real victims here, has shared updates throughout the day that say nothing and help no one, but I, a massively overpaid coke-snorting sociopath, wanted to share the latest on what we've decided we can't get away with hiding from you, at least in adulterated-to-the-point-of-fiction form, and what we’re doing to address it, which is more along the lines of "thoughts and prayers." This is an IP traffic related issue (whoa, very technical, almost sounds like we didn't cause this ourselves) that has completely fucked up our network throughout the day... as though this is something that can reasonably just happen after 30 years of mainstream Internet adoption. Data services have been "working" throughout the day—I mean, at the usual low level you'd expect from us—and customers have been using services like FaceTime, iMessage, Google Meet, Google Duo, Zoom, Skype and others to connect, seeing as how the service we charge you for has utterly shit itself and is of no use to anyone.
I can assure you that we have hundreds of our dumbass neckbeard engineers and subcontinental contract peons rebooting literally everything they can get their hands on in hopes that this will solve something, while spewing barely coherent technical jargon to visibly retarded stateside executives. Some dumbasses who drew the short straw and/or are listed in a font too small for human eyes to read on the org chart will be working through the night playing Solitaire and Candy Crush as needed to get the network fully operational. I will be snorting even more coke while forcing a teenage runaway to suck my chemically tumescent penis.
By the way, we're merging with Sprint soon, the only other cell company we could find that is even more poorly-managed than we are. Also, we have a huge banner about how awesome black people are on our home page, in case you're interested.
Mike Sievert
Asshole
