Just some bits and bobs on the writing, take them or leave them, and with no offense meant:
-I feel like a little bit more detail on where the characters are at or what they're seeing could be helpful. We get enough to know, but they seem a bit abbreviated or incomplete to me much of the time (as a model and exception, I think the first description of Naboo is pretty good, and better highlights 'dessert farmboy seeing this grandeur for a first time'. In fact, maybe that's more what I'm missing--the characters reaction or personal thoughts on surroundings.
-Might use people trailing off (or trailing off and then apologizing for something they just said) a little bit too often? I feel like it shows up a bit too much--and, somewhat related, it's something that could better show character? Luke doing it makes sense. Aphra (though this is my only knowledge of her character so...grain of salt) maybe less so just because she seems to have a tendency towards saying whatever and thinking about it never.
-Related to characters, Aphra's got a good comedic 'tone' to her that I really like (the scene between her and Luke on the transport is precious) and I don't know if I can express how much I love the 'Binks puts on an idiot facade as a cover' recasting you've made for him without descending into rants about how terrible his character is elsewhere and how that really should've been the presentation from the start. Also--I want to explicitly say the way you presented Vader worked for me. The matter-of-fact tone to his thoughts and description of things even when it's executing people or enjoying someone's fear does great in establishing him.
On a somewhat more negative note...Luke, Leia, and Ahsoka kind've come off a bit similarly? Them all having the same tendency for 'say something and trail off' might just be coloring this in my mind a little, but they all have a bit too much overlap in behavior and 'thought patterns' for lack of a better expression.
That out of the way, the plot's caught my attention--perhaps especially this latest reveal. I was honestly expecting a mistake or subversion that stumbled everyone into a plot of some kind rather than what seems to be the real thing...that seems like it's going to stumble everyone into a plot of some kind.
The prospect of an old firebrand of the Republic who just happens to be an obsession-point for Vader shaking things up for the Empire and Palpatine because of both those counts seems like a promising direction? Intrigued to see how/if Vader's redemption might be affected by it most of all.
Oh no, I posted it for critiques to improve it! And you're right: Upon further reflection, I do need to better differentiate Luke, Ahsoka and Leia's voices. Any suggestions beyond just cutting out the trailing off thing?
