I Don’t Wanna Be Famous
A Total Drama SI story
Disclaimer: Total Drama belongs to Fresh TV Inc. I’m simply borrowing it to tell some stories.
Author’s Notes: Time for the paintball deer hunt! I’m happy with most of it, but I kinda feel like the Gwen scene was a bit stilted and halfhearted. What do you think? Does it feel stilted and kinda out-of-nowhere, or does it flow reasonably well, given the characters’ personalities?
Chapter 9: What’s Up, Doc?
Chris stood on the dock as he addressed the camera.
“Last time, on Total Drama Island… both teams set out on a canoe trip to deadly Boney Island.”
Footage from the previous episode starts rolling as the host speaks, putting image to his words.
“Jason and Duncan paddled ahead and explored the island before anyone else… and got massively lost doing it. Jason beat up the local wildlife while Duncan just got beat… But on the way home, Jason played matchmaker, setting up Duncan with Courtney for the return trip. Who knew the monstrous monster masher had a heart?
“There were winners and there were losers, also known as: the Bass. The last marshmallow was set to go to either Harold or Tyler… much to Heather’s chagrin. With her spy having flown the coop, what will be her next move?
“Meanwhile, one Gopher may have secretly done something seriously crazy when she brought home a creepy stick-statue voodoo-thing from the deadly haunted island. Will Beth live to regret her souvenir? And can my teeth possibly get any whiter? Find out here, on Total. Drama. Island!”
“Crap!”
It was two days after the last challenge, and a number of us campers were frolicking on the beach or in the water, and I had just made a horrible, horrible realization as I waded onto land.
“What’s wrong?” Geoff asked from the water.
“I just realized, with both Noah and Cody gone, now I’m the shortest guy on the island! Fuck!” I paused, thinking. “Except for Chris. We’re about the same height, I think.”
“Hey, don’t harsh my mellow, dude,” the host commented lightly. He was lounging on a beach chair not far away, with one of those sun reflectors in his hands to help focus the sun’s rays on his face.
“What do you even do all day when there aren’t any challenges?” I asked, turning to him. “Like, is there anything but mellow for you?”
“Oh, you know, stuff,” Chris answered conversationally. “Working on the ol’ tan takes a bit of time. Oh, and I’ve got a prank war going on with some of the camera crew.”
I immediately knelt next to the host. “Tell me more.”
“Oh, dude, don’t get involved,” Geoff said as he, too, waded onto the beach. “I’ve seen some of that. It’s not pretty, man.”
Without turning around, I gave the skateboarder a dismissive wave. “Go on, tell me.”
Chris chuckled and lowered his sunglasses. “Well, let’s see…”
The host proceeded to tell me about the prank war between himself and “Camera Two Guy” – the guy in charge of, you guessed it, Camera Two. The prank war had started innocently enough, only to escalate as the weeks went by. By the time Chris finished his re-telling of the events, I only had one thing to say.
“I want in.”
Heather watched warily as Jason engaged Chris in conversation on the beach, not far from where she and Lindsay were themselves taking advantage of the nice weather by doing some sunbathing.
The Asian girl’s wariness turned to outright suspicion as Jason fairly bolted away from the beach toward the main lodge. Dinner wasn’t due for several hours, yet, so what business could he possibly have there? Obviously, it involved Chris somehow, as the host was slowly gathering his things together and getting up from his beach chair.
Oddly enough, the host didn’t head to main lodge as Heather had suspected he would, but instead left the camp entirely. What on Earth was going on?
She waited for several more minutes, but neither Chris nor Jason returned, and from what she could see the latter did not exit the main lodge, either. Clearly, he was up to something.
“Hey, where are you going?” Lindsay asked, propping herself up on her elbows as Heather rose.
“I have some business to take care of,” Heather replied.
“Oh, you’re going to the bathroom?” Lindsay surmised and lay back down. “’kay.”
“That’s not- Ugh, yes, I’m going to the bathroom,” Heather said, shaking her head. Turning her back on the blonde, she made her way to the gavel of the main lodge. Stealthily following along the wall, she rounded the corner and sneaked up to the front door. Looking around once to make sure no one was watching, she opened the door and slipped inside…
… only to find herself instantly coated from head to toe in something wet and sticky, but thankfully not cold.
“Aha, gotcha! Chris sends his regar- Wait, you’re not Camera Two Guy.”
Jason’s outstretched hands held a bowl, empty save for a thin coating of the same sticky, mostly brown fluid that now covered Heather’s own form.
“You think?!” Heather snapped angrily, causing Jason to wince. She looked down at herself and raised one hand up to inspect the sticky fluid slowly dripping from her fingers. “What is this? It’s so sticky…”
Jason scratched the back of his neck, not looking directly at her. “Uh… It’s water, flour, sugar, maple syrup, honey and raspberry juice concentrate, all mixed together and heated to make it extra sticky.”
“Why?!”
“Uh, well… You know the wasp nest outside? Above the door?”
“Of course I know the-” Heather’s eyes widened in horrid realization as a loud buzzing filled her ears, coming from the still-open door behind her.
She screamed.
I followed after Heather as the girl ran screaming outside, closely followed by a swarm of wasps attracted by all the sugary sweetness dripping from her form.
“Don’t run, it’ll only make ‘em angry! Just walk calmly into the lake!” I called after her. If she heard me she paid my words no heed, however, as she instead began running around the camp in a panic.
“Oh, man, epic prank, bruh!” I heard a voice exclaim, and I turned to see Chris walking toward me with a huge grin on his face, accompanied by one of the many cameramen on the island.
See, after Chris explained the whole prank war to me, I came up with a prank idea of my own and asked Chris to find Camera Two Guy and lure him to the main lodge, where I would be waiting. Unfortunately, for reasons unknown to me, Heather had walked through the door instead of Camera Two Guy.
“Uh, yeah,” I said lamely, my eyes drifting back to Heather, who was still running around while screaming and being chased by the swarm of wasps. As I watched, she ran onto the dock, tripped, and fell into the water. Seeing that she was out of immediate danger. I turned back to Chris and the man I presumed was Camera Two Guy. “Epic prank.”
The cameraman blinked, then, and pointed toward where Heather had disappeared beneath the waves. “Wait, that was meant for me?”
Chris and I looked at the cameraman, then each other, and finally anything but. ““No…””
“Oh, you jerks!”
Heather looked up when she heard a knock coming from the door. She was sitting on a stool inside the girls’ side of the Gophers’ cabin, covered in angry-red swellings from where the wasps had stung her during the high-speed chase around the camp. Beth and Lindsay were tending to her, dabbing the swellings with rolled-up toilet paper dipped in cold water from a bucket on the floor.
Needless to say, Heather was not in a good mood.
“Hey, can I come in?” Jason asked from the doorway.
Heather scowled upon seeing the cause of her suffering standing before her. “What do you want, you ass?”
“Yeah, I probably deserved that.”
“Probably?!”
Jason looked away and coughed before stepping into the cabin. As he did so he raised his right hand, revealing a small jar. “I brought you something. It’s not much of an apology, but, you know, it’s something.”
“You brought a present?” Lindsay asked excitedly. “What is it?”
“Yeah, I wanna know, too,” Beth chimed in.
Jason blinked. “Uh, it’s not a present, it’s-”
“What is it?” Heather asked tersely. She wasn’t in the mood for the other girls’ idiocy at all.
“It’s a poultice. You can put it on the stings and it’ll make ‘em, uh, sting less. Also heal faster.”
The boy handed the jar to Lindsay, who looked inside. “Ohh, is this like aloe vera?”
“Uh, kinda,” Jason said. “I made it from plantain, so-”
“Wait, you made it?” Heather asked, her eyes narrowing. “Let me guess: the moment I put it on I’m gonna be attacked by wasps, again? Or maybe locusts, this time?”
“Of course not,” he replied, rolling his eyes. “It’s really a poultice. And that whole thing at the main lodge, uh… You weren’t the intended target.”
“Really,” Heather deadpanned.
“Really. Look, Chris told me about this prank war between him and Camera Two Guy, and… you don’t believe a word I’m saying, do you?”
“Whatever gave you that idea?”
“Sarcasm. Okay. I’m just gonna go,” Jason said, flicking a thumb at the door. “But the poultice really works, I guarantee it. So, you know, use it. Bye.”
The boy made a hasty exit, leaving the three girls alone once more.
As it turned out, the poultice actually did make it sting a lot less. Not that Heather would ever admit it to Jason’s face.
“Asshole,” she muttered.
What was up with him, anyway? First he assaults her with wasps, then tries to bribe her with a poultice? Was this some weird, one-man good cop/bad cop routine?
What’s your game…?
It was early in the morning the day after my misdirected contribution to Chris’s prank war, and I was on my way back from my morning walk when the unmistakable noise of a rotor made me look up. A helicopter passed overhead – the same one Chris had flown during the previous challenge on Boney Island. It made a beeline in the direction of the camp, prompting me to hurry my steps; if Chris was arriving by helicopter, it was pretty damn obvious it was time for another challenge.
When I reached camp the helicopter was nowhere to be seen or heard, but Chris’s presence was made known over the camp’s PA system.
“I hope you’re ready for your most challenging challenge yet. Breakfast in three minutes at the campfire pit.”
I shrugged and made my way to the campfire pit along with all the other campers. Once everyone had gathered, the host began his speech.
“Are you ready for today’s extreme, max impact challenge?!”
Owen immediately threw his fists into the air. “We are ready!”
“Incoming!” Chris called out then, and tossed a can at Gwen… who caught it expertly with her forehead.
“Ow!” she exclaimed, rubbing her forehead. “Goddammit!”
Chris winced. “Ohh, sorry, Gwen!” he said, then cleared his throat. “This is breakfast.”
“No, breakfast is crepes, croissants, even Chef’s crappy burnt eggs,” Heather interjected, cutting him off.
Nearby, Owen had a far more positive outlook. “Beans, beans, they’re good for your heart, the more you eat, the more you-”
The obese boy was promptly silenced with a can to the head, courtesy of Chris.
“Today’s challenge is about survival,” the host said, launching into his challenge explanation voice. He pulled out a plastic rifle from behind his back. “We’re going hunting.”
“Now that’s more like it,” Duncan said with a smirk.
Harold approached the host, looking at the rifle. “Isn’t that a paintball gun?”
“Why yes, Harold, it is,” Chris replied… and promptly shot the camper in the chest, knocking him over with the impact.
“This is the first ever Paintball Deer Hunt!” Chris said happily. “I’ll announce the teams once we get into the woods. So, finish brekkie.”
A loud burp followed the host’s words. We all turned to see Owen sitting on the ground, surrounded by a good dozen empty cans. He sloppily wiped his chin and said, “Got any more?”
I simply rolled my eyes at the sky.
“And now for the team breakdowns,” Chris began once we had all ventured into the woods a ways from camp and gathered in front of a wooden wall on which were hung a number of plastic paintball rifles – four red and three green. “The Killer Bass hunters are… Harold, Geoff, and Eva, locked and loaded with bass blue paint.”
The host tossed each of the three a green rifle, then did the same with the red, tossing them to the Gophers. “And using orange paint, are the Gopher hunters, Leshawna, Beth, Owen, Lindsay.”
Owen let out a cheer. “This is awesome, man!”
“You also get these stylin’ glasses and wicked camo caps,” Chris continued, showing off his own orange plastic protective glasses and camo cap. “The rest of you are now deer.”
Dead silence followed his proclamation. Seeing as no one was saying anything, I raised my hand.
“Yeah, I’d rather be a hunter, actually.”
“Yeah, no,” Chris said. “The producers saw the footage from Boney Island. They’re not trusting you with a rifle. Not even a paintball one.”
I hung my head in disappointment. “Aww…”
“Serves you right, jerk,” Heather said, prompting me to let out an annoyed grunt. She clearly wasn’t over the whole wasp thing. I said I was sorry!
“Wait, what happened on Boney Island?” Beth asked then, puzzled.
“Yeah, I want to know that, too,” Eva chimed in.
“What happens on Boney Island stays on Boney Island,” Duncan interjected. The haunted look on his face probably raised more questions than anything, but at least it dissuaded people from continuing their inquiries. For now.
“Here are your antlers, noses, and little white tails,” Chris continued, holding up – you guessed it – a pair of antlers stuck to a bandanna, a little red nose and even wiggling his ass to show off the deer-like tail fastened with a belt around his waist.
“Yeah, right,” Heather said then, crossing her arms over her chest. “I am not wearing that.”
“There is no way I’m a deer,” Duncan protested.
In response, Chris promptly put the antlers, nose and a pair of protective glasses on the punk rocker. “Take these off and your team is toast,” he said, right before adding the final touch in the form of the deer tail, much to Duncan’s discomfort.
“What are you lookin’ at?” he asked, glaring at a chuckling Owen.
“Oh, nothing… Bambi.”
“You better be a good shot, tubby,” Duncan said warningly.
For my part, I simply sighed as I looked at the antlers Chris handed to me. Man, I am so not up for thi- Wait.
My eyes widened as realization washed over me. “Uh, Chris?”
“I’m not giving you a rifle, dude,” the host deadpanned.
“No, not that,” I said, shaking my head. “We’re supposed to do this challenge in the woods behind camp, right?”
“Yeah…?”
I grinned, then. “The same woods I’ve spent the past three weeks exploring and memorizing…?”
No way! Did he anticipate this?! Heather wondered then, her own eyes growing wide in alarm. There’s no way… is there? No, no there isn’t. He must have explored the woods as a precautionary measure… But that’s impressive foresight, nonetheless.
Heather shook her head, feeling a bit awed despite herself. Jason had spent weeks exploring the woods around camp, anticipating that, sooner or later, there would be challenges taking place within. It was an impressive amount of effort and planning, and now it was paying off.
She looked over at her team’s hunters, then Jason, who was openly grinning as he put on the rest of his deer outfit.
There’s no way those morons are gonna be able to catch him… not if he knows the terrain. Still, not getting hit should be the only thing he can do this time around, so we can still win. If he’d been a hunter instead of a deer…
Heather shook her head again. That would have a been a catastrophe.
She looked at the antlers in her hands. Oh, well… Time to get started.
“This sucks, man,” Duncan said as he and the rest of the Bass deer walked through the woods. Chris had sent the two groups of deer off early while keeping the hunters at the starting point. To make it sporting, of course.
“At least we get a head start,” Courtney interjected.
“I dunno ‘bout y’all, but I’m outta here,” DJ said. He got down on all fours and made a surprisingly convincing impression of a deer as he ran off between the trees.
“Uh, did any of you know he could do that?” Duncan asked, pointing after the boy.
Courtney shook her head. “Not me.”
“What about you, Jason?” Duncan turned, only to blink upon finding the boy gone. “Jason?”
They looked around, but there was no trace of their fellow deer.
“Dude… I didn’t even notice him leave.”
I had a plan. A wonderful, terrific, amazing plan.
I was a deer… and soon, a hunted deer, at that. But I had listened to the rules. Oh, yes, I had listened… and there was nothing in there saying the deer couldn’t fight back.
Of course, fighting back directly wouldn’t have been very sporting, plus I had to make sure I didn’t accidentally drop any part of my deer costume, so just taking things to melee range wasn’t really the best option. Besides, the challenge was all about bagging as many deer as possible with paintball guns, which I wasn’t allowed to use, so it wasn’t like I could earn points for my team.
However, I knew the terrain around here very well, and there were other, less direct ways to “fight”… especially if you got creative.
And I was feeling very creative. I snickered to myself.
I’m coming for you, Gophers~
Heather sat alone on a stump in the woods not far from camp, waiting for Lindsay and Beth to arrive so they could protect her over the course of the challenge. Once the pair finally arrived, they both looked tired already, and the challenge had barely started!
They are so useless, she thought. “What took you guys so long?”
“Were we supposed to come find you?” Beth asked, puzzled.
“Hello, alliance, anyone?” Heather reminded them.
“Ohh! Ohh! Me! Can I be in one?”
Heather groaned. “You already are, Lindsay that’s the point.” She pointed in a random direction. “Now, go find me some berries. I’m starving.”
Lindsay let out a cheer and ran off.
“Shouldn’t we be… you know… hunting?” Beth asked.
“She is hunting,” Heather said smoothly. “For me. But actually, berries won’t be enough… Go get me some chips.”
“In the forest?”
“In the dining hall. Now.” Heather watched as Beth listlessly began walking back toward camp. “And not barbecue!”
Okay, now I just have to sit here and wait until the challenge is over, the Asian girl mused, idly looking around. I am so glad Jason’s a deer and not a hunter…
To my mild disappointment, the first Gopher I ran into wasn’t a hunter, but a deer: it was Gwen, walking listlessly through the woods, all on her own. And repeatedly sighing to herself. I considered just leaving her be, but my conscience got the better of me.
“Yo, what’s up?” I asked as I fell into step beside her. The Goth girl jumped slightly in surprise.
“Jason?! You startled me,” she said with wide eyes.
“Sorry,” I said with a shrug. “Why so glum? You still pissed about the can to face?”
Gwen scowled and touched her forehead. “It still smarts,” she said. “But, no, that’s not it…”
I cocked my head at her. “Then what is it?”
She gave me a sidelong look. “Why do you care?”
“I don’t,” I said frankly. “I just saw you looking glum and wondered what was up.”
Gwen gave me an odd look, then. “You’re weird. Has anyone ever told you that?”
“Oh, yeah, constantly,” I replied. “It’s basically my middle name, at this point.”
That birthed a slight snicker. We walked quietly for a bit before she spoke again. “My diary’s missing.”
“Okay?” I half-said, half-asked. “Did you drop it?”
“I don’t think so. I think someone stole it.”
“Oh. That sucks.”
“Yeah, it does.”
“Any ideas on who?”
Gwen sighed and came to a stop in front of a stump. She plopped herself down on it and looked down at the ground. “None. I… I have no idea where to look anymore.”
I leaned against a tree. “I could help you, if you want.”
She looked up at me, then. “You… you would do that?”
I shrugged. “Sure. Well, not right now, obviously, but… y’know.”
“I… Thank you.”
“You don’t have to sound so surprised,” I said with a lopsided grin. “It’s no problem.”
Gwen smiled slightly and looked down. “Still… thanks.”
“No worries.”
“The hunter is a finely-tuned machine, his senses heightened by the thrill of the chase,” Owen narrated his own escapades through the woods. He went from tree to tree, always looking around, always on the alert.
“Suddenly, our hunter spots a magnificent buck in a clearing,” he said as he saw the human deer that was DJ, bent over on all fours and… eating grass? Guess I’m not the only one getting into character…
Owen slowly raised his rifle. “If he’s to succeed, the hunter has to demonstrate-”
“Ehh, what’s up, doc?”
“Great big blobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts!” Owen exclaimed in shock at hearing someone speak right next to his ear. He whirled around, rifle at the ready… only to find said rifle quickly wrested out of his hands and tossed away into some nearby bushes. “What the-?!”
Standing there before him was another deer… a deer by the name of Jason. The man-deer smiled brightly and bopped Owen on the nose.
“Meep, meep!”
With that, Jason was off like a shot, leaving Owen to stare after him, dumbfounded.
“What the…?” he murmured and turned… only to find his original target, DJ, missing. Owen suppressed a curse and dug his rifle out of the bushes before striking a pose.
“It’s on, Jason!”
I spent the better part of the next hour leading Owen on a merry chase through the woods, taking advantage of my internal map of the area – and my vastly superior running speed – to keep from getting hit. The boy was obviously getting tired and frustrated, if his increasingly frequent stops to catch his breath were anything to go by.
It was during one particularly long such break that I went up to the top of a hill and spotted something interesting: a trio of Gopher girls – Heather, Lindsay and Beth. The latter two were hunters, and prime targets for some fun.
I looked back and, as I expected, Owen was still lying flat on his back and wheezing with the exertion of chasing after me. I had plenty of time.
Chuckling quietly to myself, I made my way down the hill toward the three girls. As I neared, I realized they were arguing.
“-take it back, you can rejoin our alliance,” I heard Heather say.
“Take back what?” Beth asked.
“The ‘N’ word,” Heather said. “No.”
“I don’t wanna take it back,” Beth replied.
“You are nothing without me,” Heather snapped, then, and I decided it was time for me to make my presence known.
“Wow,” I said as I leaned against a tree. “Big words from someone who couldn’t even treat her own wasp stings.”
Hey, I may have been the inadvertent cause of said stings, but she’d been a bitch about it even after I apologized, so I think I was entitled to give her some lip.
Heather whirled on me. “You!” she gasped out. Then she looked at her companions. “Well, what are you waiting for? Shoot him!”
“Oh, oh, right!” Lindsay exclaimed and began fiddling with her rifle. By the time both she and Beth had their rifles trained in my direction, I had already gone behind cover, and I heard several rounds slam into the ground and trees around me.
“Nice shootin’, Tex!” I called out sarcastically from behind a tree. “Maybe I should impersonate a barn, give you two a chance, eh?”
The cries of feminine outrage – not to mention the hail of ineffective paintball rounds that followed – told me my words had the desired effect. I bolted out from behind the tree and ran up the hill.
“Catch me if you can!”
“Ugh, it figures that jerk would find some way to make my life miserable even as a deer,” Heather muttered as Lindsay and Beth chased after Jason.
It wasn’t until all three had crested the hill and disappeared from sight that Heather realized what the boy’s plan was.
“Crap!” she cursed.
Jason had popped out of the bushes, no doubt after listening in on their conversation… and by stepping in when he had, he had not only stopped her from getting Beth back into the alliance, but by luring her and Lindsay away, he had also robbed Heather of her protection against the Bass’ hunters!
I can’t believe I underestimated him again…!
Beth and Lindsay chased Jason over multiple hills, the boy aggravating them every chance he got by slowing down and waiting for them to catch up whenever they fell behind, often adding a few choice words for effect. Beth, already upset from finally losing her temper with Heather, felt downright furious.
It was when they crested their third – or maybe fourth – hill that they reached a meadow. Jason dashed across it, making large strides and short jumps as he crossed before stopping at the far edge and beckoning for them to follow.
“Hunters! Am I going too fast for you? D’you want me to stop and give you a-”
“Shut up!” Beth snapped. She fired, but her shots fell far short. Grumbling, she moved into the meadow...only to find herself stepping through the grass and moss and into water. “What is this?!”
“Eww, is this a swamp?” Lindsay asked as she, too, stepped forward and sank into the ground with every step.
“It’s really more of a bog!” Jason called from the other side.
“I don’t care what it’s called, it’s in my boots!” the blonde whined. She pulled hard on one leg, releasing herself from the ground… but unfortunately losing her boot in the process. She balanced precariously on one foot, her now boot-free leg dangling in the air. “Oh, no, come back, boot!”
“I got it,” Beth said and grabbed Lindsay’s boot before it could sink further into the ground. She pulled it out with some effort, only to pause when she heard a watery plop behind her. “Oh, no, I dropped my lucky charm!”
Jason’s uproarious laughter did nothing to help the two girls’ mood. Once Lindsay and Beth retrieved their boot and lucky charm, respectively, they both trained their rifles on their quarry and fired… and missed, yet again, when he ducked behind a tree. He bolted away, then, only to stop on top of the next hill.
And then he bent over and shook his ass at them.
“Kiss my fluffy tail, losers! Bwahahahahaha!”
And then he disappeared into the woods.
“Ohhh, this is not over!” Beth swore.
“Two hours of sneaking around in the woods, and I haven’t shot a darn thing,” Leshawna complained as she walked through the woods. “What kind of messed up person actually does this for fun?”
Understandably, the black girl was not happy. Unbeknownst to her, however, she was about to become a whole lot less happy.
“Nice day for it.”
Leshawna blinked. “Huh? Nice day for wha- You!”
It was Jason. He stood leaning his hand casually against a tree, looking for all the world like there wasn’t a hunt going on.
“’Sup?”
Leshawna raised her rifle. “Finally, I’m gonna bag me one! Stand sti-”
Before she could finish her sentence, Jason moved his hand away from the tree but didn’t adjust his position at all. Gravity took hold and he fell sideways, Leshawna’s shot passing harmlessly through where he’d been an instant before.
Not a moment later, she saw the human deer running away between the trees.
“Nice shot, LeBron!”
“Ohhh, you’re not getting away! Mama’s baggin’ herself a deer tonight!”
The chase was on.
I snickered to myself as I led Leshawna on a merry chase through the woods, much like I already had the others. I couldn’t help it; messing with them was just so much fun!
… Although, it seemed I’d been having a little too much fun… I had lost Leshawna. I was fairly certain of her rough position relative to my own, but I had passed out of direct line of sight.
Of course, I wasn’t just running around at random. I had moved in a huge semi-circle, and was now almost back where I’d left Owen. He should still be around here somewhere… There!
The hunter was making his way stealthily through the underbrush… or as stealthily as someone with his bulk could, anyhow. I quietly approached, making sure to keep myself in his blind spot and stepping into cover whenever he looked around. When I came near enough, I accelerated.
“One way, Elmer Fudd!” I yelled in the boy’s ear and shoved him to the ground as I ran past, laughing. I continued on for a bit before stopping at a safe distance and looking back… to see Owen chasing after me with a comically furious expression on his face.
I snickered again.
This was so much fun!
“Ohh, that Jason! He makes me so mad!” Leshawna muttered to herself as she hurried on through the woods. She had lost sight of her quarry several times during their chase – her poor vision didn’t help – but always found him waiting for her, as if daring her to try and catch him. And going by the seemingly constant grin on his face, he was enjoying it, too.
It would feel so good to finally bag him...
Leshawna thought she heard a noise, then, and slowed to a stop behind some bushes. Peering out from amidst the foliage, she saw a blurry figure a ways in front of her. She couldn’t see who it was, but she did see a pair of antlers.
Gotcha now, Jay!
She took aim and fired.
Heather stumbled and nearly fell when something hit her in the back. Suppressing a curse, she angrily turned.
“Who was that?!” she demanded.
To Heather’s shock, the figure stepping out of the bushes turned out to be Leshawna.
“Oh, I knew I should have gone to the optometrist before coming out here,” the black girl said sheepishly. “Sorry about that.”
Heather couldn’t believe her ears. Did she seriously expect her to fall for that?! “You… You… You traitor!”
“Traitor? What are you on about?” Leshawna asked, frowning as she put her hands on her sizable hips.
“Jason put you up to this, didn’t he?” Heather asked, even though she already knew the answer. “What did he promise you? To take you to the final five? A cut of the prize money? How did he bribe you?!”
“Girl, ain’t nobody bribed me. I’m-”
“Don’t lie to me, you traitor!”
“I’m not a traitor!”
“Liar!”
“Skinny-ass bitch!”
“Bloated Ghetto girl!”
“What’d you call me?!”
“You heard me!”
Things only went downhill from there.
I spiraled my way through the woods, eventually picking up Beth and Lindsay again, who joined Owen in trying to chase me down. A good fifteen minutes after that, we passed Leshawna, too, who also joined in the chase, looking even more furious than she had before.
The chase continued on and on; it was a good thing they were all lousy shots and even lousier runners, or I might actually have had some trouble. As it was, I kept myself easily from getting hit for the most part, and I led them deeper and deeper into the woods until, at long last, I started cresting a particular slope.
The slope leading up the huge cliff overlooking the island – the one we had jumped off of as our first challenge. I stopped at the edge overlooking the lake below and turned to face my pursuers.
They were ragged, dirty, beat-up and more than a bit frustrated. Which was understandable, as I’d led the lot of them on a chase for several hours, now, and provided in-chase entertainment in the form of puns and jabs and quips.
The four hunters all trained their rifles on me.
“End of the line, bub,” Leshawna said menacingly.
“Yeah, you’re going down,” Beth agreed.
“Yeah, like, way down,” Lindsay chimed in.
“Any last words?” Owen asked.
“Yes, actually,” I said somberly. Then I grinned and stepped backward, my foot finding nothing but empty air. I fell, then, going spread-eagle as I looked up. When I saw the four hunters’ heads peek over the cliff’s edge, I yelled, “Good luck getting back in time to bag any deer, losers! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
After I fell into the lake, I made my way ashore and dried myself off passably before heading back to camp. About halfway back I heard Chris’s voice over the extended PA system that had been set up around the woods surrounding the camp, declaring the challenge ended and calling us all back to tally the score.
The sight that greeted me once everyone had returned was… pleasing.
Not a single Bass had so much as a drop of paint on them, while each and every Gopher deer was positively covered in blue paint – courtesy of Eva, I learned – except for Heather, who was covered in blue and orange paint, for whatever reason.
So, yeah: it was a clear victory for the Killer Bass.
I felt torn, however; I couldn’t decide whether it was the sight of Justin covered in paint or the sight of the Gopher hunters glaring at me that filled me with greater joy.
In the end, I decided to just bask in it.
“That. Was. Awesome!” Chris exclaimed as he looked us all over. “Jason, leading all the Gopher hunters on a chase through the woods? And then when you jumped off the cliff? Wicked TV, my man! You made Bugs Bunny proud today!”
I fist-pumped in victory. “Damn straight!”
“Hey,” Harold said suddenly. “Where are Duncan and Courtney?”
As if on cue, the two Bass deer appeared… with their horns stuck together, forcing them to walk at a very awkward angle.
“Oh, this is too much,” Gwen said, amused.
Owen snickered. “Duncan, you sly dog, you!”
Duncan smirked. “What can I say? The girl can’t keep her antlers off me.” For his troubles, he received a kick to the groin from Courtney. Wincing, he murmured, “Can’t even bend over…”
As Geoff and Eva helped the pair disentangle themselves from each other, Chris looked us all over once more before nodding to himself.
“Well, since three members of the Gophers are dripping in paint… and the Bass don’t have a drop on ‘em… I think we have our winners!” he exclaimed. “The Killer Bass are off to a hunting camp shindig! Gophers, I’ll see you at the campfire ceremony.”
Heather, still covered in paint, smirked as she sat in the confessional. She had her arms crossed over her chest as she faced the camera.
“While I couldn’t count on Beth’s vote, I did still have Lindsay on my side, Justin was easy to convince, and Owen? Piece of cake. It was all I needed to kick Leshawna off. I only wish I could’ve kicked Beth off, too.”
Heather’s smirk vanished, then.
“As for Jason… Ohhh, he really did it, today! Not only did he keep us from scoring any points, but he got Leshawna to turn on us, too!
“And he’s got that stupid, happy-go-lucky attitude. It’s so fake. At least today some of the others finally saw the real him: a cynical, cold-blooded manipulator who thrives on the pain of others.”
She gave a slightly surprised smile as she leaned forward, touching one hand to her chest.
“I have to say, I kinda respect him for it… Still, I won’t let him beat me. He’s going down!”
Heather’s smile vanished as she scowled.
“And don’t think I’ve forgotten about the wasps, either! He’s gonna pay for that!”
“You know, Jason’s a good guy,” Gwen said as she sat in the confessional. “He didn’t have to cheer me up, but he did anyway. A hunter could have shown up and shot him at any time, but he still stayed and talked.”
Gwen looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully.
“Jason cares about others. Even his enemies! He’s not like that jerk, Trent, at all…”
She let out a long, forlorn sigh.
“You know what? Even with my diary still missing, and now Leshawna gone… I think I’m gonna be okay.”
Gwen looked straight at the camera, giving a wan smile.
“Leshawna? Thanks for everything. You’re a real friend. I’m gonna do my best. I think… I think I can do that, now. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend while you were here. I’ll see you at the end of this, okay?”
End Chapter 9
The roster
The Screaming Gophers: Gwen, Trent, Heather, Cody, Lindsay, Beth, Izzy, Owen, Leshawna, Justin, Noah
The Killer Bass: Geoff, Bridgette, DJ, Tyler, Sadie, Katie, Courtney, Jason, Duncan, Eva, and Harold