Thus Buzzes the Babylon Bee

Democrats Hire Professional Puppeteer To Continue Operating Dianne Feinstein

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senate Democrats have recruited a professional puppeteer to assist 90-year-old Dianne Feinstein by moving her dead limbs and speaking for her whenever needed, according to sources. Feinstein is now expected to retain her senate seat forever.

"Wow! She's so lifelike now!" exclaimed Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "And she tells great jokes!"

The person who operates Feinstein's lifeless husk made her say, "I'm not dead, I'm FINE-stein. HA HA!" He then pulled her strings in such a way as to make her perform a charming tap dance.

"Hilarious!" Schumer reiterated.

Republicans have been uncharacteristically supportive of Feinstein's new aide.

"Feinstein will live as long as the deep state has need of her," said a visibly emotional Mitch McConnell. "We may not always see eye to eye — especially now that she's unaware of anything happening around her — but seeing a master puppeteer control her body gives me hope that I, too, may continue to serve for a long...

...

...

...

...

...time."

"It is the aspiring hope of all senators to be a puppet," he added.
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Country Music Industry Confused By Man Actually From Country Making Actual Music
NASHVILLE, TN — Sources at the major country music record labels confirmed Monday that they were "baffled" and "nonplussed" by a new country music artist who is "get this - from the actual country and making actual music."

Record executives said the "bizarre" style of country music, in which someone writes, performs, and records songs of actual quality about topics germane to people living in the actual country, "doesn't really speak to them" and is "pretty confusing."
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Disaster Relief Plane Flies Over Hawaii On Way To Ukraine
U.S. — According to sources, a plane carrying emergency supplies and $10 Billion in disaster relief flew over the Hawaiian island of Maui on its way to Ukraine.

Island residents were at first delighted to see the disaster relief plane on the horizon until they saw it adjust its course to avoid the heavy smoke. "Where are you going?! Help us!" said a mother of four who had become homeless overnight when the fires took her home.
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Husky_Khan said:
The Babylon Bee coverage of Aliens First Contact with Humanity has been top notch. Reports have it that the aliens are meeting with President Biden after the alien asked to "Take me to your leader."

babylonbee.com

'OK, Take Us To A Different Leader,' Say Exasperated Aliens After Trying To Communicate With Joe Biden

WASHINGTON, DC — An envoy of extraterrestrial beings stifled their frustration and asked to be taken to a different leader after their initial meeting with President Joe Biden left them confused and exasperated, sources say.
babylonbee.com babylonbee.com

The meetings with the President and Vice President were shorter then expected for some reason, but the aliens were still able to discuss things with several high level Biden Administration officials.



I, like many of you, was worried the Aliens were coming to destroy our planet. Thankfully that doesn't seem to be the case...
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My sides, I'm fucking dead. That alien actor is perfect.
 
Republicans Debate To See Who's Going To Lose To Biden In A Landslide Mail-In Vote In Middle Of Night

U.S. — In an electrifying debate tonight, 8 Republican candidates competed for a chance to lose to President Biden in a shady landside mail-in vote in the middle of the night.

"I, Mike Pence, an experienced politician with impeccable integrity, am the best candidate to have the election stolen from me by ballot harvesters during the height of a fake pandemic in 2024," said Mike Pence. "I will lose with all the dignity and pride of a Republican. That's what America is all about."

"No, I am the best candidate for this important task," said Nikki Haley. "No one on this stage is better equipped than me to stand aside like a schmuck while the election is rigged by powerful tech corporations, corrupt deep state bureaucrats, and foreign governments to get a functionally dead candidate like Biden back in office. Also, I'm a woman! Vote for me!"

The 8 candidates then erupted in loud arguing and screaming at each other to the delight of cheering fans.

At publishing time, Trump had claimed victory in the debate and promised to have the greatest stolen election loss in history.
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Democrats Scramble To Find Replacement For Retiring Mitt Romney

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Democratic Party was left scrambling for a replacement today, as long-time faithful Senator Mitt Romney of Utah announced he would not be seeking re-election.

"This is a huge blow for the Democratic Party," said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "Romney has been one of our most reliable senators. He will be sorely missed."

Democrats have immediately begun searching for a replacement candidate, concerned that conservatives in Utah could flip the seat Republican. "Romney being able to carry Utah for the Democrats was an unbelievable windfall for the party," said analyst Chuck Todd. "It will be incredibly difficult to find another candidate who can win in such a deep red state while completely and utterly turning his back on the Republican party. It's like finding a unicorn."

According to sources in the Romney camp, the Senator plans to retire to the plains of Namibia to spend more time with his fellow rhinoceros family.
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Zelensky Asks If This Is A Bad Time To Maybe Get A Couple More Billion

KYIV — Amid large-scale terrorist atrocities in Israel and an active hostage situation with Hamas, Ukrainian President Zelensky cautiously asked if now would be a bad time to maybe get a couple billion dollars of US aid.

"So, um, I know you all are pretty busy with all the Israel stuff," said Zelensky while nervously fidgeting with the new $40,000 Omega Speedmaster watch on his wrist. "But if it's not too much trouble or whatever, do you all have an extra billion or maybe two or three lying around that you're not using? I need it for, um, important war stuff."

"Democracy depends on it. If it's not too much trouble."

Zelensky promised the additional aid would also be a huge help to Israel since it will keep his Nazi brigades busy fighting Russia instead of helping Hamas wipe out the Jews. "I really don't even need that much," he said. "Just a few billion. Maybe 10 or 20 billion tops. That's all. Please and thank you."
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Husky_Khan said:
Many such cases...

babylonbee.com

Palestine Protester Tries To Argue With Skinhead But They Just Agree On Everything

DALLAS, TX — A tense situation was avoided today, as a Leftist pro-Palestine protestor attempted to get into an argument with a Skinhead but found they really are on the same page about pretty much everything.
babylonbee.com babylonbee.com

Glad they could find common ground. What a way to set an example.
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Considering how many arabs were fond of the original nazis it would not surprise me if actual palastianans would get along with actual skin heads.
 
Cherico said:
Considering how many arabs were fond of the original nazis it would not surprise me if actual palastianans would get along with actual skin heads.
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IIRC Hitler was pretty appreciative of Islam, as absurd as that sounds.
 
ThatZenoGuy said:
IIRC Hitler was pretty appreciative of Islam, as absurd as that sounds.
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Why absurd? Hitler hated Catholic Church,and wanted new religion for germans.
Yes,some proposed return to Wotan,but others prefered Hinduism or islam.

If germans win WW2,then we could have muslim Europe now.Which mean,that in long run notching changed......
 
ATP said:
Why absurd? Hitler hated Catholic Church,and wanted new religion for germans.
Yes,some proposed return to Wotan,but others prefered Hinduism or islam.

If germans win WW2,then we could have muslim Europe now.Which mean,that in long run notching changed......
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Hitler is usually regarded as not being the friendliest of lads.
The idea that he actually admired a 'dark skinned people religion' is pretty unusual because of that.
 
ThatZenoGuy said:
Hitler is usually regarded as not being the friendliest of lads.
The idea that he actually admired a 'dark skinned people religion' is pretty unusual because of that.
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It's not that surprising; Hitler didn't really care about skin color. Rather, his issues were with race mixing, and peoples like the Jews and the Roma whom he saw as mongrels. As long as a people was sufficiently "pure" in his eyes, like the Japanese for example, that was good enough for him.
 
Cherico said:
Considering how many arabs were fond of the original nazis it would not surprise me if actual palastianans would get along with actual skin heads.
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Have heard about Neo-Nazis admiring Jihadis, too, given the Islamic culture of insurgency and martyrdom that they want to replicate themselves. Granted, that's mostly VICE News talking (here), but I doubt it's a big stretch to imagine them finding "common ground" and hating their shared enemies together. :(
 
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